sPeak the Mind

Entry: Broken and shattered Sunday, September 16

I feel like jumping....

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Honestly, I think I cannot hold on any longer. I want to fall away, right now. I'm tired of how people think of me and trying to live up to their expectations. I'm not myself anymore. FYI, I've been giving many fake smiles and faking my happiness too.

I'm weak, I admit. I'm very emotional, I admit. I'm really, very, sensitive.

I can't take jokes. I don't wanna talk anymore. I hate being laughed at because i don't think it's funny. I hate the comments people give to me when they don't really know who I am. I really felt like screaming "shut up" to them. Because no one on earth knows who I am, not even you.

I've been suppressing my feelings for months and I want to let everything out.

I hate being shouted at because I'm a human. I hate flirters (girls especially) who only wants attention from guys. I hate girls with vulgar words. where's all the women of great virtue? So drop value (jatuh standard) lahhh.... I hate Christians with double standards, worshipping God and wanting recognition from the world as well.

I blog because I want to express what's inside. It should not be taken as a joke and it's definitely not a subject for you to poke fun of me. My feelings are fragile, and so is my heart. I hate it when people used what I've blogged and make fun of me. I don't like it when people secretly read my blog posts and then talk behind my back. I hate faking my laughters pretending that I don't mind. I'm feeling pushed to my limits where I can't hold on any longer. I really feel like jumping.

I have not been myself, last week, yesterday and today. I don't know about tomorrow but I doubt I will have the best day of my life. I've come to a point of giving up trying to understand people when people don't give a pooh of me.

I mean it when I say I'm busy. Please take my 'no' seriously. Please stop giving me work to do because I have enough to do. And PLEASE, give me a break.

That's it. I'm done. I had enough. It's over.

i love myself and I understand myself... therefore, I'm not going to let anyone hurt me anymore... I'm gonna protect myself, defend whatever that comes my way, because no ONE, nO ONE, understands the real me.

i'm sorry. But I've come to a point where I will not listen to anyone's comments anymore UNLESS they are people whom I look up to and people whom I think or feel, live up to God's standards.

Whatever you read here, remains here unless I decide to talk to you about this, so please do not mention any of these even when you see me.

7 Bark here


	Jack not so sparrow September 20, 2007 12:28 PM PDT u said tat we r not helping each other grow. when u go to the doctor n stare at him or maybe talk 2 him everything under the sun bsides ur sickness. do u think he knows wat ur sickness is? bsides ur pale face or ur harsh voice. even God wants u 2 talk 2 him n tell him. u say people hurt u but u resolve to putting out a public msg instead of telling them face to face. y not try smsing God bout ur problems n see if he replies. Its good to let it out. b on ur toes wif every word spoken. so tat u know u wont get hurt or hurt others. know ur audience. If u giv a robber a gun then u will b robbed for sure. if u keep giving him bullets u will b shot. its good tat u let it out. just put more thought bout how u do it tats all. We all hav different experiences. The person u say u look up to may not b everyone but do not turn down an advice from anyone. it may come in handy one day. Oh bout u loving urself n all i agree but make sure u remember how to spell sin. dun let it get 2 u. hurt can also b a good thing when u look at it positively. no ONE understands u? how bout those who hav scarificed their time n effort to do something JUST for u? How bout Jesus? No ONE... Dare u say tat again.


	betz September 19, 2007 12:49 AM PDT Thanks reader. So anonymous ahh..?!


	betz September 19, 2007 12:48 AM PDT jimmy, I think the both of us have not been very honest with each other. I don't know, perhaps we need to talk. Everything happened so quickly and the feelings accumulate. So, this p"ost is just my way of "vomiting things out. When you said people, do you mean yourself? I would appreciate if you would speak for yourself and let others come to me and tell me what they feel about me. Because, honestly, I don't know who you referring to. I know i cannot run from disappointments. But I think in many ways, we are definitely not helping each other grow. Of course, I'm not gonna let it end here. I believe in every sad story, God will always turn things out beautiful. That's why I am not afraid to share what I feel.


	reader September 18, 2007 07:53 PM PDT But isn't dealing with people part of the faith in God and Christian walk? It comes together. Yes of course it is a struggle. We are disappointed, we disappoint others. We judge, we are judged. But we are really all on the same side. Breakdown if you wish, take your time, just don't stay there. God and others will pick you up,if you allow them too. Love.


	JiMbOy September 18, 2007 06:45 PM PDT boo... =P btw I know I can't say much... What I said here might hurt you... but better be honest than all the comment of the world... You said "I'm just tired of PEOPLE... very disappointed in them." Do you think they will be tired and disappointed in you? You are tired because who they are right? Do you think they feel tired of who you are? so ya... think about it =) no one is perfect... life still goes on... I know it sound harsh but that's the fact of life... take it and move on... or break it and stay there... p/s: sorry I am not very good in putting words... just my honest thought...


	betz September 17, 2007 11:22 PM PDT Hmm.. thanks for that encouragement... 1. I know I feel like jumping... but I also said that I love myself, so I'm gonna protect myself. The reason why I'm blogging is this is so that people won't push me around anymore. You think I don't know that God loves me? I know He does and I'm more than precious in His eyes. I would not give my life away like that. I'm just tired of PEOPLE... very disappointed in them. To me, God's standards for everyone is the same, no one is an exception. God didn't say that this person can do this, but you cannot. His Word is for ALL Christ followers to follow. and... I'm okay. My faith in God is also great. It's the dealing with people part that I hate the most.


	Jack not so sparrow September 17, 2007 11:20 AM PDT wat makes us human? u say u seek someone who lives up to God's std but do u really know God's std for them? or isit just ur expectations? Did i mention expectations? yea. we all hav tat dont we? If our mom didnt push her limits to giv birth 2 us then would we even b here 2day? If God didnt care for us then y not just smite us? It is bcoz he sent his son Jesus tat we can live n b a bridge for someone to step on so tat they can reach the other side. Where is ur faith? Whose yoke r u carrying? if u need encouragement God n i can giv. if u wanna end ur life then tell God tat he had wasted all his efforts on u. keep it real. do wat is right n people will respect u. cry out when ur down but dun forget to pick urself up again so u can move on. u did good n im sure u've got more coming up. gambatte!!

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